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so i’ve been admitting a lot of stuff to myself lately. it’s time for me to honestly examine my feelings and the way things are going in my life and plan accordingly. i really don’t have the desire to go back to school to get a degree in something useless; by useless i mean getting a degree in something that i have no interest in pursuing. also, i have realized that i do not need to go to a university to acquire the skills i need for my profession - all i need is drive, determination, and the skills to take me the distance. i’m interested in photography/art and that’s what i’m going to pursue. i know, it’s not really the most secure field, but it’s what i love to do and life is too short to not live it to the fullest. it’s time that i live my own life and satisfy myself for once.
also, i’ve realized that i do still have feelings for you, but i know that these feelings will no longer consume my life. it’s deeper than a sexual thing, it’s deeper than a protection thing, it’s a genuine love that i have for you. no matter what happens, i will always care about you and wish you nothing but the best in everything that you pursue.
phew, that felt really good.
my feelings are all over the place lately. i’m not sure whether i’m confused about how i should feel about certain people and situations or whether i’m having a chemical imbalance right now, but i go back and forth about a lot of shit lately. i really wish my feelings would stabalize. i wish i could just, “love you to death” or “hate your guts,” but apparently it’s not that easy. these feelings no longer consume my life, but they do occupy a lot of my spare time and i wish i could just think about other meaningful things. i’ll get it together one of these days.
i guess the snow was a blessing in disguise - it was mother nature’s way of telling me that i needed to take a day off from partying. it’s been a really refreshing day - i promised myself to not obligate myself to get anything done today. i decided to take this day to just merely rest - free of all thoughts and obligations. my brain and body are physically exhausted with everything i’ve been doing in the past few weeks. i’m going to grab a good book, get under my covers and read until i get sleepy. i’ll probably end up watching a little television tonight as well (which i hardly ever get the chance to do). i will take care of all my responsibilities tomorrow, but today is my brain and body’s vacation day.
